Question:
Hello teacher, my wife and I have known each other since we were sophomores in college. We have been in love for 4 years and been married for 10 years. In total, we have been together for almost 14 years. She has been a good girlfriend and wife until 5 or 6 years after marriage.
But she has changed in recent years. I don’t know what is going on with her. She has become less and less responsible and more and more self-indulgent.
For example, I often indulge in playing games and forget to feed my child; after weaning at 8 months, I often leave my child at home and run out to get a beauty treatment, or go shopping with friends; I work for three days and fish and spend two days surfing the Internet. Sometimes, He quit his job without getting any salary; he became more and more indifferent to me (we rarely live together as a couple, I can count the number of times in a year on one hand).
At first I thought it was just postpartum depression that needed to be adjusted, so I always tolerated her. Occasionally I would reason with her if she did something that was too extreme, and never scolded her.
I tolerated her for two or three years, but she got worse and worse.
Last year, I came home from a business trip and found that my child had a fever. I searched for her for a long time and couldn't find her. She didn't answer the phone. Only then did her friends find out that she was drinking at someone else's house.
That person is her best friend. They have a good relationship. The two of them often play together. I usually don’t care about her. She only wants to say hello to me. But this time she went too far, and it was this incident that made me waver in this marriage for the first time.
I no longer know if she is worth it for me to go with her now. She has changed from a good wife and mother to such an irresponsible woman now, and I feel bad.
The reason why I did not think of divorce is mainly because of these reasons.
1. It must be for the sake of the children. Children of single parents are really suffering.
2. Most of my assets were created after marriage, and they are basically all marital property. The salary she earns is negligible, which means that once I get divorced, I will lose half of my hard work over the years. I'm not willing to give in.
3. Except for her incompetence in the role of wife and mother, she does a good job in other aspects. I have a very good relationship with my family and relatives. My mother likes her very much. The relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law is extremely harmonious, so it will not be easy for my mother to get through divorce.
The teacher should be able to understand the embarrassment of my situation. Recently, I have been thinking about what to do with her, hoping to get the teacher's advice and guidance.
Answer:
We divide this question into two aspects.
The first part, since you are wondering whether she is worth staying with, let’s first discuss what is considered worthwhile in marriage and what is not..
The teacher will review it again for everyone. What is the meaning of marriage? It is a community where two people help each other and work together to face the storms of life in the future.
In a perfect marriage, two people can grow together, and in a qualified marriage, two people can also accompany each other on the road of life. If a marriage is always holding you back, it is undoubtedly violating the meaning of its own existence.
So when you think about whether it is worth it, use this principle as a reference. See if continuing to maintain it is holding you back, helping you grow, or whether it is not painful or not.
Two things are very clear about your situation now.
First of all, it is property and career. It does not mean that she is holding you back in this regard. On the contrary, after the divorce, you have to divide a large amount of money. Give her the property. From this point of view, the impact of divorce on you is negative.
But in terms of relationships and family, with her attitude towards the family, the relationship between husband and wife, and towards the children, continuing to maintain it will not be beneficial to you or the family.
It is worth noting that the information you provided does not indicate that your relationship has broken down, but that you are in a state of mutual dissatisfaction and are still some distance away from the relationship breaking up. Even without the three reasons you mentioned not to divorce, you are not on the verge of divorce at all.
So what should you choose? Don’t rush to make a decision first. Read the second part before talking.
The second part is, why did she have this change?
You are wondering, and the teacher is also wondering, but what the teacher is wondering is, since her performance in marriage If she is so miserable, why can she still get along well with your family?
Being able to get along well with your family means that she and your family must recognize each other, and even in the eyes of your family, she He has made a lot of contributions to this family.
Judging from the image you described of her, it obviously does not fit this kind of personality, so things are contradictory. The problem here must not be as simple as you said.
I’m afraid the truth of the matter is that you once let her down first, causing her to be disappointed in you, and then the marriage gradually declined.
Perhaps you have been ambiguous with other people before, or maybe you did something irresponsible first. The teacher doesn’t know the specific reason. What is certain is that the fault does not lie with her alone!
The teacher gives you three suggestions:
First, self-reflect and only look for problems in others. Then your relationship with her will never improve. If the problem does lie with you, even if you don't want to say it out loud, as long as you can correct yourself in private, there is hope.
Second, since the problem is caused by the word "lenient", you might as well try to be strict and impose more restrictions on her. You always tolerate her when she does something wrong, and she doesn't need to bear any consequences. So even if you didn't make the mistake first, you are still responsible for her slippage.
Third, it is important to have more intimate interactions with her, and at the same time make requests for a married life. If she refuses once, mention it several times.
Sex is the mediator between husband and wife. In your current situation, where you only have sex a few times a year, even if there are not all those problems, your relationship as husband and wife will become more and more distant.
Don’t resist. You may think it’s awkward to be romantic when you dislike her so much. Since the relationship hasn’t broken down yet, isn’t it only human nature for couples to take the initiative to release intimacy.
In short, as long as your wife does not ask to leave you first, then please do the above points first to improve the quality of your marriage. You've done everything and she still hasn't changed at all, then think about the question of "is it worth it?"
