Question:
My wife and I have been married for ten years and have two children. Being separated for a long time due to work, she became increasingly cold and even violent at times, and things at home were basically fine.
A year ago I discovered that she had frequent contact with a male colleague and deleted chat and call records.
But because I trusted her, I didn’t think much about it. I just told him that husband and wife should trust each other and have normal interactions, so there was no need to delete records.
Recently, I accidentally discovered that they were secretly communicating with each other in the middle of the night. She denied having an affair, but did not explain her behavior and promised not to contact the man again.
I believed her again, but at the end of the month I checked her call records and found that they were in constant contact.
If we get divorced, I would be a little reluctant to bear it. Without divorce, there is really no way to trust him again.
Faced with such long-term deception in my marriage, it was a huge blow to me. My faith collapsed. Now I rely on melatonin to sleep, and it is difficult for my life to return to normal. What should I do?
Answer:
Between husband and wife, trust must be based on your trust. My wife's trust is blind faith.
In marriage management, blindly trusting the other half will often bring about two consequences.
On the one hand, it is easy for people to ignore the potential marital crisis, so that couples cannot solve problems in time when they encounter problems.
This will allow less serious problems to ferment until substantial damage is caused, making it twice as difficult to repair the marriage;
On the other hand, there is unfounded blind belief and "Faith" and "belief" are particularly similar. Once broken, it will cause excessive mental impact on people.
When a person’s belief collapses like you mentioned, his spirit is broken, and he cannot even carry on his life normally. He has neither the strength to repair his marriage nor the strength to escape.
Take your situation as an example. Couples who have been separated for a long time are more likely to have their emotional and physical needs not met than couples who spend time with each other every day.
In the state of separation, if you want to trust your wife, you need to have a basis. For example, your wife will call you every day to report that you are safe, chat with you for a while to keep in touch with each other, and report all situations in a timely manner. Or discuss it together. These can be used as the basis for your wife to be trusted.
But your wife likes cold violence and basically doesn’t care about family affairs. She is not worthy of trust because you don’t know her. What was she doing when she ignored you? She didn’t even care about her family. What did she care about?
Where did she focus her attention? This is all suspicious and indicates problems in the relationship between husband and wife. signal.
Therefore, female friends who are in a similar situation should also pay attention. Maybe you have not found any principle problems in your marriage yet.
But you need to pay attention to what hidden dangers there are in the relationship between you and your wife, and what motives behind her behavior are worthy of scrutiny. Preventing problems before they happen is much better than fixing the problem before it happens.
Back to the topic, you discovered that she had close contact with a male colleague a year ago, and she deliberately erased the traces of contact. This behavior is already very suspicious. Why do you feel guilty if there is no ghost?
If you She is usually jealous and very suspicious. It is understandable that she deleted the call records in order not to cause unnecessary trouble;
But you are obviously not that type. You usually don't check his mobile phone. I also trust her very much, why does she need to do this? There is obviously something wrong with her doing this.
But at this time you still choose to trust her. There is a truth that applies to everyone - if you give trust to someone who is not worthy of your trust, you will definitely get cruel betrayal and merciless hurt.
She will not think you are good, she will only think you are fooling.
Now that you have discovered the fact that she has been dating this male colleague, he did not give you an explanation. Once again you believed her.
She only promised you not to contact that woman again, so you believed her. You didn’t realize that her promise had no gold content at all.
In your case, although you did not get solid evidence that your wife was having an affair, you can no longer trust her promise from that moment on. The correct action is to silently collect evidence and prepare to follow up. When she starts a war, whether it's a divorce battle for family property or a marriage defense battle, you need to have evidence that she can't refute.
Whether you want a divorce or stay married now, you can only make the decision that is best for you based on the actual situation after you have adjusted yourself.
No matter what you decide, there are corresponding methods, but with your mental state now, you don’t have the strength to deal with it at all. It will be helpful for you to go for spiritual healing first.
I also hope to take this opportunity to remind everyone again - never blindly trust your partner in marriage, trust must be well-founded.
Trust should be earned by the other party, not given unconditionally by you. When you see the clues of a problem, face it and solve it in time!
